“I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant a week after my father’s funeral, and it was a huge shock. The first thing out of my fiancés mouth was, ‘Here’s a link to Planned Parenthood, you need to schedule that abortion asap.’ That was the only conversation we ever had about me being pregnant.
It took about a week for me to get an appointment, and in that amount of time, I felt myself thinking in new ways about children. I felt bonded to this baby . . . I brought up my feelings on our way to the abortion, and my fiancé was pretty shocked . . . He said that if I kept it, he’d stay around, but would spiral into a mental health crisis. So I felt like I had no option but to abort.” – Anonymous Reddit User
There’s nothing more painful than feeling being forced into a decision that you regret by someone you love. If you felt forced into an abortion by a partner, parent, or friend and are regretting your decision, it’s understandable to feel anger towards that person. After all, their influence is causing you pain, and you’re likely also feeling betrayed.
In the midst of these complex feelings, you might be wondering how you can ever forgive that person, let alone yourself.
If you find yourself in this place of unforgiveness and spiraling regret, please know that there is a path forward filled with hope. There are steps you can take to forgive the person who forced you into an abortion and release the pain you’re feeling. Read on to learn those steps, or contact one of our caring advocates today to find out how our one-on-one mentoring programs and support groups can help you heal.
Step 1: Write the Letter You’ll Never Send
One of the most effective ways to begin processing unresolved anger is to write a letter to the person who pressured you into having an abortion.
This exercise isn’t about confronting them or getting a response. In fact, the goal is not to send the letter at all. Instead, the purpose is to create a safe place where you can finally say everything you’ve been carrying inside.
Many women spend years replaying conversations, wishing they had spoken up more forcefully or wondering if the other person truly understood how deeply they were hurt. A letter allows you to express those thoughts honestly and completely. You can write about the pressure you felt, the fear you experienced, the grief you’re carrying, and the ways their actions affected your life. You can say everything you never felt free to say at the time.
What makes this exercise powerful is that it shifts the focus away from them and back to you. This letter is not about changing their mind, earning an apology, or helping them understand your perspective. It is about giving yourself permission to acknowledge your pain and release emotions that may have been trapped for years.
Many women find that simply putting their thoughts on paper helps them organize feelings that have felt overwhelming or confusing. Whether you keep the letter, destroy it, or store it away somewhere private, the value lies in the act of writing it. It becomes a way to tell the truth about what happened and to take the first step toward letting go of the burden you’ve been carrying.
Step 2: Understand That Forgiveness Is Part of Your Healing
When someone pressures you into an abortion, forgiveness can feel impossible. You may wonder why you should forgive someone whose actions caused so much pain. You may feel that forgiving them minimizes what happened or excuses their behavior.
But forgiveness is not about declaring that what happened was acceptable. It is about refusing to let someone else’s choices continue to control your emotional well-being.
As long as anger and resentment remain unresolved, they tend to keep us connected to the very event we’re trying to move beyond. Every memory, anniversary, or reminder can reopen the wound because the hurt has never been fully addressed. Forgiveness is one way of loosening that grip.
This doesn’t mean the person deserves forgiveness. It means you deserve freedom.
At the same time, many women discover that forgiving the other person is only part of the journey. Often, there is another person they blame even more: themselves.
You may find yourself asking why you didn’t stand up for yourself, why you allowed someone else’s opinion to outweigh your own, or why you didn’t walk away from the relationship altogether. Looking back, it’s easy to judge yourself harshly. However, it’s important to remember that you made that decision under circumstances that were likely filled with fear, confusion, pressure, and emotional vulnerability.
The woman you were then deserves compassion, not condemnation.
Self-forgiveness begins when you stop expecting your past self to have had the strength, wisdom, and perspective that only came later. You cannot change what happened, but you can choose to extend grace to yourself today. Healing becomes possible when you recognize that while you may regret the decision, you do not have to spend the rest of your life punishing yourself for it.
Step 3: Reevaluate That Person’s Role in Your Life
As you work through your grief, you may begin to view certain relationships differently than you did before.
One difficult reality many women face is realizing that the person who pressured them into an abortion may not have been acting in their best interest. Whether it was a boyfriend, spouse, parent, friend, or someone else, coercing another person into a life-altering decision is a serious breach of trust.
This realization can be painful because it often forces you to reevaluate the relationship itself. You may begin asking questions about whether this person has consistently respected your boundaries, supported your well-being, or demonstrated genuine care for your needs. You may recognize patterns of manipulation or control that you didn’t fully understand at the time.
Not every relationship needs to end, but every relationship should be evaluated honestly.
If the person has taken responsibility for their actions, expressed genuine remorse, and worked to rebuild trust, there may be a path forward. However, if they continue to dismiss your feelings, minimize your experience, or place their needs above your well-being, it may be necessary to establish stronger boundaries.
For some women, healing involves limiting contact. For others, it involves ending the relationship altogether. While that decision can be difficult, it is important to remember that protecting your emotional health is not selfish. Healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and mutual care. If someone demonstrated that they were unwilling to offer those things during one of the most vulnerable moments of your life, it is reasonable to reconsider how much access they should have to your future.
Part of moving forward may involve creating space for healthier relationships: relationships where your voice matters, your concerns are heard, and your well-being is valued.
You’re Not Alone In This
Our caring advocates understand the importance of finding healing because we’ve been where you are.
Oftentimes, one of the best ways to move forward into healing is to talk with others who understand exactly what you’re going through. We can talk first by phone or in person, and then meet together over time through one-on-one or group sessions. We can also connect you with other national support networks.
Please feel free to contact us. We are here for you with practical, physical, emotional, and spiritual support after an abortion. Now is the time to begin your healing journey. Connect with us online or call or text us at (423) 266-8322. Healing after your abortion starts here.